The main supermarkets announced today that they are introducing a set of rules that will govern behaviour in their premises, and that these will be implemented forthwith.
A spokesman for CRASS (the Cartel for Regulating All Supermarket Shopping) said
‘It is high time we re-imposed order and discipline on shopper’s behaviour’.
-The use of mobile phones to tell a.n.other where they are and what they’re doing is forbidden, as is discussing the shopping list on the ‘phone. These devices must be handed in on entry and will be returned on evidence of payment. Any ‘phones smuggled in will be subject to the penalty for non-compliance. A phonectomy.
-Do not engage in conversations with staff. They are not programmed to be sociable and they need to get on with their job.
– No talking is permitted between the driver of a trolley and another. These are not places for chi-chat and it clogs up the aisles.
– Check through any vouchers you may have, and discard any that are out of date, before entering the shop.
– You will need a licence to shop which can only be provided, along with a loyalty card, once you have undergone the training and been rated as conversant with the shop’s regulations and the Health and Safety requirements.
– If it has been discovered that you have shopped elsewhere you will be required to go to a remedial training course.
– You must always replace the trolleys in the correct pen and any form of trolley abuse will be taken very seriously.
– Your probation period will be three months from your first unaccompanied shop.
Shopping with children.
– Shopping only allowed on Mon to Fri between the hours of 8am and 10am if accompanied by one child under the age of seven, or between 8.00am and 9.00am if accompanied by more than two children.
-Children must behave in a seemly manner. Those throwing tantrums shall be placed in a holding area and left to calm themselves down. Parents must wait until then before collection.
– Parents or guardians who allow their children/wards to
——push trolleys/ride on or in trolleys
——eat things off the shelves
——as above but placing half-eaten items back on the shelves
——make rude faces at unsuspecting older people
——say ‘Mummy I want……’ more than once
——let out bowel-loosening screams
shall have their children removed into detention until the shopping is done.
– No parent/guardian shall ask their children what they would like for lunch/supper. They will have what they are given.
– Why don’t you shop on line? It is much easier than slogging all the way to a crowded, noisy supermarket, and the nice delivery man will bring the bags in for you. – If you must go to the shop then please prepare by having your payment details handy.
– Anyone caught fumbling trying to pay a bill of £10 or more with loose change will be placed in a holding pattern at the back of the queue.
– Shoppers over the age of 60 must use the special lane dedicated to slowness.
For a small fee the supermarket can provide a Personal Shopper to aid the elderly.
Rules for staff.
– When reloading the shelves, ensure that you occupy as much space as possible to slow shoppers down so they spot tempting offers they had no intention of buying when they came in.
– Shoppers can’t be trusted to follow directions to where their desired item is located and so must be accompanied. Do not engage in banter.
-Try to avoid eye contact with shoppers and take detours to avoid those looking for help.
– If too many breaches are reported of the above rules, old Christmas songs, especially by Slade, will be played continuously at loud volume.
– The supermarket shall not be held responsible for anyone dying of hypothermia on its premises. Shoppers must wear suitable arctic clothing. If you have none, appropriate garments can be found in Aisle 3