There’s A Brexit Right Behind Me And It’s Treading On My Tail

The state of proper politics in this country is in mid-disintegration.

Labour is distracted by which toys to throw out of the pram and have ceased to be a credible opposition.

The Lib Dems have retreated to a cellar somewhere and are waiting until the coast is clear.

UKIP has self-destructed, its main purpose having been fulfilled.

The Scottish Nationalists are looking for a fight to settle a few old scores.

It is down to the Tories to remain coherent but they have to hold things together when the going gets tough over Brexit.

I will leave it to the serious stuff to the experts and their articulate blogs on the state of politics in this country and the general atmosphere of anomie.

I have a slightly different take on the obvious, couched in somewhat different, more frivolous, clothes.

The scene is the wood-panelled assembly hall of a semi-public school, somewhere in the Home Counties.

“Quiet down school. The headmaster Mr. Berko would like to make a few announcements.”

“Thank you. This will not be an easy year, and I ask that we maintain order and consideration for each other at all times.

“First, all our congratulations go to the new Head Girl, May T. Well done. Teresa will take over from the beginning of this academic year from the previous Head Boy, Cameron D., who leaves to earn a proper living giving unwanted investment advice to business. He may be joined at a later date by his fag Osbourne G.

“The topic that caused the most controversy throughout the school last term was the vote on whether to sever our long established ties with Concorde Catering and provide an in-house service. The so-called Briexit vote. This caused some significant turbulence in the school which I hope we can put to rest now and take a leaf out of Teresa’s book, who, despite her personal views, has accepted the burden of negotiating terms with our new caterers – ‘Nabitandgo’. Unfortunately, this organisation does not have the same commercial purchasing power as Concorde and I understand that things like Jaffa Cakes may have to have less Jaffas, which would be regrettable and something that will be in the forefront of May’s mind.

“Although the Keep Concorde campaign did predict that such price rises were to be expected, the appeal of the Briexit campaign was essentially ‘Keep Biscuits British’ and ‘Stop indiscriminate imports of croissants’. I assume, therefore, that the Tuck Shop prices will be ones that Briexiteers will be happy to pay. Finally on this subject, there has been unacceptable outbreaks of laughter and scorn by such people. Please desist, this is no laughing matter.

“We have finally decided that the accusations of misrecording against Johnson B. are proven, whereby he ‘persuaded’ the scorer in the inter-house cricket match to add 30 runs to his own house’s score if he knew what was good for him. We have decided to downgrade him to a minor prefect responsible for enforcing the school’s dress and haircut code.

“We recognise the ground swell of opinion in support of Mr. Corbyn’s bid to become head of music and this appointment has been confirmed. Also on matters of staff changes, Mr. Farage has resigned his post as Sergeant-Major in charge of the Combined Cadet Force and has taken over as landlord of ‘The Case Is Altered’ in Capel-le-Fern. It is with sadness that we have to say goodbye to Matron who has left to become chief barmaid at the same establishment.

“Finally, I am afraid that our poor financial position has meant we have had to cancel all orchestral and choral periods, and have temporarily re-designated the Music Department’s facilities to our new catering service. Following consultation, there has been no significant opposition to this plan.

“That is all for …..one moment please, I am being handed a note. Hmm, it would appear that the cost of school dinners will be subject to a proposed increase of 15%. I shall have to refer this to the new Head Girl.

“Thank you, and please remember that laughing, running, and graffiti are all prohibited.”

Author: catch22andahalf

I’m retired, a grumpy optimist, writer, and shallow humourist. Before retirement my ‘career’ looks like it was cobbled together from a few different CVs - clerk, slightly more senior clerk, top notch clerk, Personnel Director before they downgraded the name to Human Resources, Advertising and Marketing Director, Partner in a management training outfit and owner of a small B&B

One thought on “There’s A Brexit Right Behind Me And It’s Treading On My Tail”

  1. Very good!
    You’ve captured the mentality and quality of the debate, as opposed to a sober and intellectual review of the issues (which I have yet to encounter).
    Meanwhile the British Press reaches even lower levels of irresponsibility

    Like

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