Highway Code for Newbies

Update

It seems to me that the Code needs modifying to suit today’s drivers and driving conditions. Here are a few suggestions to start with.

You are a knight of the road (or knightess) and your needs are paramount. You are driving a powerful weapon and should not be intimidated by others. ‘Go For It’ should be your motto.

  1. There is little value in being able to read a number plate from 20 feet, all you need to do is identify whether it’s a car, motorcycle, bike or lorry. Pedestrians don’t count
  2. It is a good idea to drive as if you were in a video game. Points are awarded for bottle, for example last minute swerves onto a motorway exit ramp, the closest you can get to the vehicle in front without touching it
  3. There are special categories for the elderly and for young female drivers. The elderly will gain extra points for hesitation. Driving as much as possible below the speed limit, extra points will be awarded for any coronaries in following vehicles.
  4. As an elderly driver you may wish to display a sign in your rear window that reads ‘Warning! I am possibly lost. Keep your distance. Anything could happen’
  5. A second requirement for the elderly is the inability to park and especially go backwards. Extra points for time taken and inconvenient protuberance of parked vehicle.
  6. For young women it is advised that you acquire an extra large rear view mirror. This will aid in your examination of the state of your hair and its rectification, the search for facial blemishes, and detection/removal of unwanted items in your teeth. Extra points for sudden, last minute, unpredictable changes in direction.
  7. When passing parked vehicle on either side of a road and confronted by a driver coming in the opposite direction, a game of chicken is initiated. Right of way is solely determined by speed and aggression. Points may be lost for pulling over too soon.
  8. When cut up by a more aggressive driver points may be regained by a combination of gestures and belligerent comments about the other’s personal habits or gene pool.
  9. Lane flexibility is the key to the speed with which you can you can negotiate roundabouts, traffic lights or hold ups. Your aim should be not just to squeeze in front of other cars by whatever means is possible, and to leave a trail of abuse in the wake of your vehicle.
  10. When driving on a motorway change lanes as often as possible, and do so as close to the vehicle you have passed as close as possible. It is entirely legitimate to flash slower cars that selfishly impose a speed limit on you but don’t forget that overtaking on the inside will usually show them who is boss.

Author: catch22andahalf

I’m retired, a grumpy optimist, writer, and shallow humourist. Before retirement my ‘career’ looks like it was cobbled together from a few different CVs - clerk, slightly more senior clerk, top notch clerk, Personnel Director before they downgraded the name to Human Resources, Advertising and Marketing Director, Partner in a management training outfit and owner of a small B&B

3 thoughts on “Highway Code for Newbies”

  1. I returned to driving two years ago after a break of 40 years, & embrace ‘3’.
    As a public service I may place a large long sign in my rear window ‘Warning! I am possibly lost. Keep your distance. Anything could happen’

    Like

      1. No by all means!
        Having been spectacularly lost on M roads going to visit our son, we journeyed back on A-roads, and on simple 2 lane roads I frequently pulled in to let the string of cars pass me (I was doing 50/60 mph, I felt safer not sharing a road with someone towing a caravan who wished to do 60/70 mph)

        Like

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